For a lot of people, the first therapy session can be anxiety provoking. In particular, many people feel incredibly self-conscious having all the attention focused on them for almost a full hour. So why does my therapist stare at me? There are a few reasons!
First, your therapist wants to watch your body language. The type of body language therapists look for varies. During the first session, your counselor or psychologist is looking to see how well you make eye contact, whether you appear nervous, and how you respond to uncomfortable questions. Therapists also use eye contact to show they are listening – although in everyday life, this can feel odd to us, as we don’t often have anyone’s undivided attention.
Therapists call this “active listening.” This is a skill psychologists use to engage with people. It includes matching our clients’ body language, nodding when they speak and echoing back their words. Eye contact is the first part of this, and usually one of the first things our clients notice!
After watching for awhile and getting to know you, your therapist will likely mirror you – match the rate and volume at which you speak, your body language, and your overall tone. Why does your therapist mirror you? We tend to be most open if we feel like we’re understood, and when someone matches our body language. Your counselor mirrors you so that you feel comfortable and understood (and, for many therapists, matching your tone and speed helps them understand better). Mirroring body language in counseling is one of the first skills your therapist probably learned.
Your therapist can’t stare at you the whole time – that would be awkward for you and her! So sometimes you may wonder, “why does my therapist watch my hands?” Your hands can give a lot of cues to how you’re feeling! You might be playing with your tissue or clothes, indicating that you’re having strong emotions, or clenching your hands when upset. Your counselor may even ask you about about what you’re doing with your hands – both to make you aware of your body language and to help him or her better understand what you’re expe
riencing.
Beyond eye contact and body language, you may also notice that your therapist echoes back what you say – this is reflective listening. Some people find this part of therapy even odder than being stared at! Your therapist does this for two reasons.
First, echoing your words (or summarizing what you’ve said in your psychologists words) makes many people feel better understood. It also gives you, as the client, an opportunity to correct any misunderstandings, so your therapist can better understand what you’re experiencing.
Second, when your counselor reflects your words back to you, it gives you an opportunity to think about and reflect on those words as well. This can help you better understand yourself and your own experiences, and even expand on what you’re saying.
Starting therapy can be an odd experience, and some of the experiences are brand new for many people. In our fast paced world, it’s rare to have a person giving us their full attention. This can feel uncomfortable because it’s such an unusual experience. In time, if you’ve found the right match, you’ll feel more comfortable with your psychologist, even if it feels like she’s staring at you.